Thursday, June 16, 2011

An Open Letter to an Unlawful Citizen

Dear Unlawful Citizen,

You are a thief. But you know that already. I'm going to give you some advice because I like to exercise my need to be a patronizing retail bitch once in a while. After carefully assessing the clothes you've left behind in the fitting room, I think I am more than qualified to give you a few pointers on what to do next time:
  1. If you are going to steal a whole outfit, at least have the decency to remove your tatty Target Plus Sized garments from the fitting room. No one wants to touch that shit. I could see the dead skin cells on your black jeans and your cardigan looked like it started to pill in 1993.
  2. Also, it appears that you do not wash your clothes often... a brown streak around the neckline of a once pale blue cardigan suggests you sweat like a pig and you have never discovered a wonderful thing called laundry powder.
  3. Other than the obvious health risks associated with being size 18, if you lose weight, you will have waaaay more options when you are looking for an outfit to swap. Just think about it, no longer will you have to make your way to the Big Is Beautiful department and look for new clothes that will fit you rather than look good on you. Hmm... I'm starting to get soft on you for your unfortunate physical appearance. But seriously, skinny people are happier because they can steal smaller sized clothing.
  4. Next time you go into a store to get some new threads you don't want to pay for, don't look the sales assistant in the eye. Don't smile at them as they greet you. Because nothing is worse than trusting the way someone smiles and finding out later they have pulled a fast one on you. You are the bad guy, so don't pretend to be good. 
Until the day I find out your real name, I shall refer to you in future conversations as "that overweight, unhygienic, povo thief" because that is exactly what you are. I wish you the best of luck in the future and I hope that one day you get caught; and if you pee a little from being interviewed by a security guard, lets just hope that by then you have illegally acquired a box of Omo.

Sincerely pissed off

Your friendly retail assistant